“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

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?”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour


if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it


*coughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes*

*neighbors peek outside*

*shakes my head no and holds up blunt*

*neghbor gives a thumbs up and goes on about their day*


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to


I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.


Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.


911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?


“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”

– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house