“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
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saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.