@Cryptic1iam
Why is it called being a virgin?
Why not a Get-no-sexual?
@ehdannyboy
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
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@Cryptic1iam
@RappaRick
?”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
@asamantha321
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
@DaddyJew
*coughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes*
*neighbors peek outside*
*shakes my head no and holds up blunt*
*neghbor gives a thumbs up and goes on about their day*
@dafloydsta
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
@KentWGraham
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
@UnFitz
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
@PleaseBeGneiss
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
@Mr_Kapowski
“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house
@UncleDynamite
sistine chapel
