“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
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A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.