take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
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You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.