take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
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Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Respect
