take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”