take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
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According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Facebook Twitter
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.