take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
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When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
make up your mind
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
