take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Always
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
shazam but for random noises outside
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.