Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”