Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Cat.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.