Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
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Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*