Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.