Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

What about second breakfast?

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori