take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
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I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
no!! no!!!!!!
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang