@trevso_electric

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

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@Playing_Dad

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

@gabutch

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

@lucky_300

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

@LittleMissAngr1

Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!

Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen

@realHamOnWry

Don’t let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

@XplodingUnicorn

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

@thedailymarker

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

@FuniBob

*slaps a twenty on the hospital front desk*

I’ll take one baby please