Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!
Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen
Don’t let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
*slaps a twenty on the hospital front desk*
I’ll take one baby please