take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

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Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online


Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.


I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.


Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!

Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen


Don’t let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.


Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?


My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.


Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.


*slaps a twenty on the hospital front desk*

I’ll take one baby please