take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
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That’s what I call a flat tire
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
The cashier just checked me out.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
yall want some gasoline milk
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.