Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

Become ungovernable.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half