Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
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Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
😾
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”