Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow