Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

nice challenge

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Its true…

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

That took me a moment.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.