Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?