Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.