“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.