“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore