Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

My Guy

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

I’m being attacked 😭

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.