Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

🤣

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

My circle of trust is a meatball

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.