Take my advice, I’m not using it.
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These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems