Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Krampus.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?