Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
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Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Just me?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.