Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.