Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this