Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
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King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.