Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
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Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
I just ran a .003048K
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-