Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

2023 was just a warmup

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Story time

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.