Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
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Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george