Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy