Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
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7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
the three genders
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
step 6: release the wall snake
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.