Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

No, you’re not getting it your honor

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?