Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

The point of your 20s

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Morning all.

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.