Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.