Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Monica just destroyed the internet

Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me