Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

wtf management?!

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”