Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …