Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?