Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
but that was my emotional support daylight
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
oh she’s cooked
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life