Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle