@AlottaInfo

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

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@lovejulieacafe

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

@heatherlou_

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

@JohnLyonTweets

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

@Marlebean

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

@mrjohndarby

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

@candace_9871

Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.

@AbbyHasIssues

Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.

@ArfMeasures

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

@GensPlace

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.