take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
yes, those are my real potatoes.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah