take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Most Common Source of Electricity
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good