Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
taking June’s advice to heart
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one