Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
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You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.