Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
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pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
You’ll be OK
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.