Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
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Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.