Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.