Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Print is alive and well!!!

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

tell em, edith-anne

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.