Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

Same pineapple, same

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

Cold.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.