Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

[loses house key, starts a new life]

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove