Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
sliding into dms like
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
😂🤣😂🤣
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”