Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.