Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
what do you want
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me when I’m ovulating
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Do not go gentle into that good night,
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
