Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.