Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?