Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature