Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11