Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
kitchen magnet
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.