Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
You Might Also Like
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Found my door mat
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
we’re dead?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”