Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
#Caturday
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…