Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
You Might Also Like
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.