Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
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I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
this made my day 😂
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next