Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
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Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1