Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”