Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
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Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.