Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
But wait…
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E