Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
You Might Also Like
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom