Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.