Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.