Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less