Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
